Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
