Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
