whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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