I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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