where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
