Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
