it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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