Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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