god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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