sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
