mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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