dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
