I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
