Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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