Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
