I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
