Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
