remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
