Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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