so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
