In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
