I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
