Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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