I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
