Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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