No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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