Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she looked like the before picture.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
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Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
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I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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