What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
