I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
