in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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