Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
