Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
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She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
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I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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