im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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