she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
