can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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