I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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