why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
