She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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