So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
