Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
