Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
