I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
