i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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