what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
