Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
