So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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