Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
