Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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