im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
