I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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