I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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