She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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