i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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