in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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