I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
