got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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