Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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