I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
